


The Bird and the Mariner

by melianthegreat



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Major Illness, Original Character Death(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:09:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27821284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: After falling victim to the one toxin that can kill him forever, Jack must decide whether to fight or submit.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness/Other(s), Jack Harkness/The Master (Simm), Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

"Flower hunting?" Jack asked the Doctor, his nose crinkling at the thought.

"Of course," the Doctor replied over breakfast that morning. "I want to add some new specimens to the garden room." The garden room in the TARDIS had been a special place for both of them: for the Doctor, it was a beautiful place to relax and quiet his mind, while for Jack it was a beautiful place to relax and get romantic with the Doctor. All the Doctor's favourite plants from all the different galaxies he'd visited were in that room, assuming the TARDIS could properly care for it in relation to the other flowers and plants in the gardens.

"And that's why we're heading for the Markosi System?"

"Exactly. There is an uninhabited planet, which makes it a botanical paradise. Granted I have to be careful not to remove any indigenous species that would mean the extinction of that species from the planet, so I'm going after something that's plentiful elsewhere."

Jack waited a moment for the Doctor to continue. "And that would be...?"

"On most other planets they're known as Genesis Roses," the Doctor answered. At that Jack cracked a smile. Genesis Roses were amazingly beautiful; they bloomed from bright yellow leaves, had petals of the deepest blue, almost purple, and the inside of the roses were black, plus the scent was renowned. "As plentiful as they are, I have never had a Genesis Rose," he said, his dark eyes glowing with excitement.

Jack smiled patiently. Flower hunting certainly wasn't high on his list of fun things he'd like to do with the Doctor outside of sex; that list was rather quite limited. It reminded him of his time on Earth and the stories Gwen would tell of taking Rhys shopping, explations by Owen to both Gwen and Tosh how men like Rhys really didn't enjoy sitting outside a dressing room while their ladies tried on 15 jumpers of the same style and deciding if they looked better in the green or the purple one, while Jack and Ianto sat passively and remained neutral. Even back then, Jack knew Rhys did it out of love, with a minimum of grumbling. And so it was now: out of love for the Doctor, Jack would go flower hunting.

A few hours later Jack stood by taking in the view while the Doctor knelt to study the proper way to successfully uproot a Genesis Rose bush. Jack could hardly believe just how beautiful the place really was, with the bluest of skies, the floral scents all around them, yet the planet was totally devoid of higher lifeforms. It made Jack wonder whether any beings had ever attempted to settle here, and if so, what could possibly make them leave. That's when he noticed the very slight movement out of the corner of his eye.

It was definitely a flower, pale yellow, and turning toward the Doctor, who was distracted and therefore hadn't seen how close it was to the rose bush. Jack, though, was now laser-focused on it: a Markosian Pansy, known in some parts as a Death's Head Pansy for the dark smudge near the middle that looked like a skull and crossbones. They were sentient beings, attacking when they felt threatened, and the poison in their darts was 98% fatal to any biological lifeforms that came into contact. This, Jack thought to himself, was the reason nobody was around--any settlers who came here would have been eventually wiped out by a pretty flower. 

And one of them was now drawing a bead on the Doctor.

"DOCTOR!!!" Jack yelled as he leapt and knocked the Doctor sideways, just as the darts fired. Had he not done so, the Time Lord he loved so dearly would have been stone dead. No time for a regeneration, the poison worked that fast. There had been a sudden, piercing agony near Jack's heart, then what felt like fire spreading throughout his bloodstream. Jack had time to realize every dart from the Markosian Pansy had lodged in his chest in a center mass, just the way he had trained the Torchwood team on shooting. Then he collapsed.

~#~

The Doctor had studied the bush carefully. Genesis Roses tended to grow like weeds once their roots had taken hold, but the roots tended to be delicate and easy to damage while transplanting, so he had to be just as delicate in handling it. He'd never been aware of how much danger he'd truly been in; had he known how close the Markosian Pansy was to that bush he would have bid a hasty retreat to look for another.

Suddenly Jack had yelled, and before he knew it the Doctor was flying sideways from a vicious hip check. "WHAT?!" he spluttered, rubbing his hip painfully. "Captain, what--" He was brought up short when he saw Jack, now kneeling in the same spot he'd been in previously: Jack's blue eyes had gone wide, a cluster of thorns in the center of his chest. And as Jack collapsed heavily to the ground, the Doctor realized what had happened. "A Markosian Pansy," he whispered nearly in horror. And it would have been him, if not for his lover.

"Oh, Jack," the Doctor whispered sadly as he crawled over to his heroic man and cradled him in his arms. Those impossibly blue eyes stared up lifelessly at him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He knew Jack could revive, and Jack had said he'd been poisoned before, more than once. But the Doctor knew how terrible the poison from this flower could be, and he knew Jack would be in for a lot of suffering if he simply let the toxin work through his system as he died over and over again. Picking Jack up easily despite him being deadweight, the Doctor carried him back to the TARDIS, hoping to somehow make his certain deaths more comfortable.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack blinked repeatedly, amazed at where he was. There was the heavy round cog door, the pool of water in the center, a pterodactyl flying overhead. Against the tile wall was the sofa with that God-awful upholstery. He'd never, all the times he'd gone into his mind, found himself inside Torchwood Cardiff; he'd make up a bar, or occasionally outside a stone wall, but never here. 

Thinking back, Jack recalled knocking the Doctor out of the way of a Markosian Pansy ready to fire its darts at him. Jack had taken all of them, then he fell over and it all went dark. Now, suddenly, he was here. 

"I can't bloody well believe it...Jack bloody Harkness," a familiar working class London voice greeted him. Walking up from the MediBay was a slight, dark-haired man in a white lab coat whose lapel displayed various buttons from different rock bands, along with political statements. His sharp face was neither old nor young. 

"Owen," Jack whispered, shocked nearly into silence. "But...you're..."

"Dead?" Owen offered. "Deceased, departed, Sleeping with the Fishes, Gone to Aisle Seven, In the Great Beyond, Late, Worm Food? Well, really can't be worm food considering I dissolved from a flood of radioactive coolant. But...yeah, mate. I'm dead. But you're not."

"So, why are you here?" Jack asked. "Come to think of it, why the hell am I here?"

"I figure this is the closest place where you associate me," Owen mused, looking around. He smirked. "Sure as hell beats associating me with a nuclear reactor. At least I removed the temptation to try and bring me back again."

"I'm so sorry about that, I had no idea any of that would happen." Jack had indeed brought Owen back from the dead using a Resurrection Gauntlet, but at a terrible price: instead of perpetual life, Owen had endured perpetual death--a cessation of bodily functions and the inability to heal, with the awareness of life. "I wasn't ready to let you go just yet."

"I know, mate," Owen answered him, giving a sad smile. "At least my condition allowed me to do a couple of truly great things before I went. And now I'm about to do another one." He walked over to Jack and put his hand on Jack's shoulder. "Come over here with me." Owen led him over to the MediBay and stared down.

There was Jack, lying motionless on a bed, various tubes coming out of him, and by his bed the Doctor was leaning over a monitor with an extremely worried expression on his face, an expression that almost appeared...frightened. "Something very bad has happened to you," Owen reported. "Now you have to choose whether you live or die."

"But I can't die," Jack argued, shaking his head. "You saw that yourself, Owen. You shot me in the head, and I came back, remember?"

"Well, yes, ordinary methods, even radiation, though I can tell you firsthand that it's not recommended," Owen countered. "But you were hit by a Markosian Pansy, and that Doctor friend of yours has just figured out it's probably the only thing in the entire bloody universe that can do the trick, eventually. But not before you die several times over and in some pretty nasty circumstances." For the first time since he'd been made immortal, Jack truly didn't know how he felt about the news; sort of like a suicidal man who is suddenly told he has a terminal disease and only has a few weeks to live. He'd spent such a long time trying to make it happen, hoping somehow the energy that infused his cells would finally run out and he'd just stay dead. Until he'd met the Doctor again and saw humanity striving to stretch beyond the universe itself and realizing his purpose was to try and help the human race get to that point.

"So, without trying to sound too Dickensian here, Jack, you're going to be visited by others you know, who will help you decide if you want to stay or go," Owen continued. "Jesus, I sounded a bit too Jacob Marley there for my taste. Dickens was always a bit stuffy for me, but then again, you shagged Proust." Jack chuckled. "Time's up for me. I have to go back to where I was. Make a good choice." He started to walk away.

"Owen? Wait," Jack called after him. Owen turned back. "How do you know about Markosian Pansies? They're not found on Earth."

Owen shrugged. "I'm dead, Jack. One of the privileges you get from death is to know things." He left Jack alone.

~#~

The Doctor had placed Jack carefully on the bed in the MediBay. He'd revived once already, but he was comatose, and a fever quickly gripped him. He asked the TARDIS for help and she instructed the Doctor on fluids to give him while mixing the compounds together to help save Jack's life. Even so time was of the essence: one of the TARDIS' monitors showed something the Doctor never expected to see--the toxin was dramatically diminishing the Autron energy Jack had stored in his cells, and if something wasn't done, he might become too weak to revive. Jack could simply die horrifically and then stay dead. So now the Doctor had to work desperately to keep him alive, he just couldn't take the chance.

"Owen..." Jack softly murmured in a dream. The Doctor laid his cool hand on Jack's forehead, feeling the heat of the fever trying to fry his brain. The TARDIS opened a drawer revealing a large syringe. The Doctor added this to Jack's drip, then squeezed the tube to make it enter his bloodstream faster. He sat down by the bed, taking Jack's hand into his and kissing it. He knew this could be a long fight, monstrously difficult to survive. But if anyone could, it would be his Jack.

~#~

Jack sat on the sofa with the 1970's era upholstery and rubbed his face. He felt tired and disoriented. Even if Owen told him why he was here, Jack didn't want to be in this place, especially revisiting ghosts from the past. God knew this place had more than its fair share of ghosts.

He felt a gentle hand rub his back with concern. "You're looking tired, Jack," said a rich, dark feminine voice. 

Jack opened his eyes and found himself looking directly into the dark eyes of Toshiko Sato. Here was someone he more than loved in his century at Torchwood, he respected her. Ever since he'd read the file on her at UNIT and understood the true potential of her genius. Even though he knew she would be eternally grateful for him granting her freedom from her Espionage charges in exchange for working for Torchwood, he'd never tried to take advantage of her the way some of the guards at UNIT had; there was just something about that powerful mind, contained within a spirit as gentle as a butterfly's touch, that simply made him stand back and admire her. And in return, her respect and gratitude of what he'd done for her (as well as not) had bloomed, especially after she'd entered that time portal and ended up back in 1941 with him and discovered secrets that could have easily driven a wedge between them. But Jack had also known something else about this gentle Japanese woman, something that many had discovered to their peril: when that spectacular intellect couldn't get her out of a situation intact, her skills with a gun and her willingness to defend herself certainly could; getting the drop on her was rare. But getting the drop on her was ultimately what killed her. So focused on trying to save South Wales from nuclear catastrophe that a man driven insane by a lifetime of torture was able to sneak into the hub and shoot her and leave her to die. But save others she did, leaving Jack to grieve for her in ways he'd never expected.

Jack leaned back on the sofa. "I've been poisoned, Tosh," he whispered. 

"Oh, well then, that means you have to fight," Tosh replied simply, in the gentle, practical manner only Tosh could achieve.

"I don't know if I can," Jack explained. His head spun and even though he was aware he really was unconscious, he felt weak.

"But, you can't die, Jack," Tosh replied. "Or, at least, you can't stay dead."

Jack looked over to her. "This time, I think I can," he answered faintly.  
"Oh." Both were silent a moment. "Do you want to die, Jack?"

Jack had closed his eyes when his dizziness had made it difficult to focus. "I don't know," he whispered. "I've lived so long and I'm so tired..."

Jack could feel Tosh take his hand, one of the few times she'd ever voluntarily touched him. "It would be easier to give in," she said softly. "But I like to think you aren't the kind to enjoy the easy way. Remember, I got to see that up close. When we were trapped in 1941, and you'd met Captain Harkness, the easier way would have been to stay with him, keep him from dying, provide for me until the War would have made that impossible. But you chose to come back when the Rift was opened. You chose to let things happen. And I know you can't choose the easier way now. You just can't." 

Jack opened his eyes to a very disturbing image: pools of blood, across the floor of the hub and leading in a trail down the stairs into the MediBay. It reminded him of the time he and Gwen had followed that blood trail to Toshiko as she lay dying, trying in vain to save the man she secretly loved, knowing he was going to die before her. Jack saw so much blood now there was no way whoever was bleeding this much would ever survive.

And then Jack realized this blood trail led directly to him.

~#~

The Doctor stayed in the MediBay with Jack, not wanting to leave his side even for a moment, in spite of the TARDIS humming at him in concern. She was as concerned with Jack as her owner, though; the Doctor cared for him, more deeply than most of his past companions, and the TARDIS did have her part in the creation Jack had become, so in a way he was a part of her, too, as if he'd melded with her the way the Doctor had. So instead of just running away from the wrongness Jack represented, she tolerated his presence, even coming to accept his existence. 

The Doctor glanced over to the table and saw the cup of hot tea. He drank it down, knowing soon the TARDIS would insist on him eating something. Sure enough, as soon as he placed the empty cup on the table, the drawer of the table opened, revealing a banana.

"I'm not hungry," he replied and shut the drawer. Immediately the drawer opened again with the same banana. "I told you, I'm not hungry," he repeated. "I have to look after the Captain." He firmly closed the drawer again. And again she opened it. "You're not going to give up, are you?" He grumbled as he slammed the drawer closed. In answer the drawer opened insistently. The Doctor sighed. "All right," he relented, "I'll eat." Obediently he peeled the banana and ate it, the TARDIS politely opening the drawer so he would place the peel inside for disposal. Moments later he started to feel sleepy--it was indeed very late and a fraught day, and the TARDIS didn't help matters by dimming the lights in the MediBay. He knew she would continue until he gave in and had at least a kip, so the Doctor decided not to argue. He stretched out on the other bed and was quickly asleep.

The Doctor wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but he was awoken by sudden alarms as the monitors showed Jack was in distress. The monitors weren't the only warning: Jack's body stiffened and then trembled with violent convulsions. "Jack! Jack!!" The Doctor cried out, knowing his lover was in trouble, that he may indeed lack the energy needed to revive if he died. "Help, please!" He cried out in a panic to the TARDIS, who opened drawers to reveal various syringes full of medicine. But no sooner had the Doctor grabbed the first syringe to inject than the color drained from his face, taking on a grey hue. There was a final convulsive arch off the bed, then the bed linens became soaked with blood as his bowels loosened. The monitors showed no readings. The Doctor stared in horror, tears filling his eyes. "Oh, Rassilon, Jack," he whispered. "Oh, my Jack. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Then he took his lover's hand in his and wept, hoping he would revive and not sure if he could.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rating for this chapter is moved up a bit to a hard mature due to content.

No matter the reality that Jack could revive after death, no matter how many times he'd actually seen it happen, the Doctor could never get used to watching him die. It was always a horrendous experience, for him and for Jack. Jack knew how deeply it hurt the Doctor, and there was enough purity in the Time Lord's soul to never just kill him to put him out of his misery, so he'd become far less reckless in sacrificing his life. But still, there were times when sacrifice was necessary and unavoidable. And he would come back and look into the Doctor's dark eyes and see the unfathomable sadness within them and knew in that time--however brief it was--for life to return, his lover had felt them to be among the worst of his 900 years.

The Doctor lovingly cleaned Jack's body, silently weeping for the man he loved as he did so. This time it was just as likely he was saying goodbye to Jack permanently, and it forced him to consider things he couldn't remember considering: did Jack have any remaining relatives in the Boeshane Peninsula, and should he take him home? Should he return Jack to Earth, let Gwen take care of arrangements? How should the Doctor memorialize the one who loved him best, whose repeated ultimate sacrifices proved him more brave and loyal than any of his companions? Ever since Jack had become a fixed point in time and space the Doctor had never considered such details. Each choice he made actually made him feel like a failure for not keeping Jack alive.

The Doctor had removed the bloody clothes and bedding and had just finished cleaning the blood and feces off from Jack's disintegrated intestines when he heard a sharp intake of breath and the hitch of Jack returning to life. Only to watch as Jack curled into a ball, screaming in agony. In moments a fever began to rage, to the Doctor feeling like Jack's blood was boiling. He carried Jack into the pool room and jumped into the water with him, hoping to cool the immortal down, the Time Lord not caring that he was fully clothed himself. "Come on, Jack," the Doctor whispered to him over and over as he poured water over Jack's face and head. "You have to fight this. I know you can fight back. You have to stay alive for me." Jack lay cradled in the Doctor's arms, heat radiating from his body and warming the water around him. The Doctor noticed sadly that Jack was now so weak the feeling the Time Lord had of his skin prickling whenever he was near the fixed point in the universe was almost nonexistent. "Stay with me, Jack," he nearly sobbed. "Please don't leave me."

~#~

Jack could sense little else but pain. _Hold onto the pain_ , Jack told himself. _Pain tells you that you're still alive_. Following the pain back to consciousness was worse than if he'd died: he was chained by his arms and legs, naked. He was in the engine room of the _Valiant_. The place where he spent a year in daily torture sessions.

"Finally back?" a voice seemingly slithered through the air. Into his view sauntered the last being Jack would ever hope to see.

Jack's blue eyes grew wide and bright with terror. "No," he whispered. "It can't be you. You...you're..." He didn't want to finish that sentence, because if he was wrong it meant he really was here and every beautiful thing since had been a dream, a fantasy of his nearly-shattered mind.

"I know," the Master rolled his eyes. "I'm dead. My darling Lucy, my ever-faithful wife, shot me. But even now there are others who haven't stopped believing and they're working to reverse it." He walked around Jack admiringly. "So, you're back, and in a very familiar position. Funny, I didn't choose the setting, I believe you did, Jacky-boy. It makes me wonder if you didn't secretly enjoy that year I did things to you." The Master leaned over to whisper in Jack's ear. "Maybe that's the secret you don't want your precious Doctor to really know, is it? Not only that you gave yourself to me freely that final night, and I made you _come so hard_ all over yourself, but that deep down you were seriously turned on by everything I did to you before. The knives, the pain, the beatings. All those guards having their way with you. You enjoyed it!"

"I won't hear this..." Jack shut his eyes and shook his head; the Master knew how to use his voice to manipulate others, make them believe the worst part of themselves. It had been so long since the Year that Never Was, and so many things had happened that had erased the negative words the Master had used on him: saving the world and the universe, and Torchwood, and Ianto.

And the Doctor.

"Even now you think of him," the Master sneered. "Tell me, Freak, why are you here? Because your precious Doctor once again failed you. You took a bullet for him, so to speak, you allowed yourself to be envenomated by a Markosian Pansy, something he would never, ever do for you. You know that, don't you? He allowed you to poison yourself with perhaps the only toxin in the entire universe that can actually kill you, and you know deep inside, in that place only I can see, that he knows you don't deserve the same."

"That's not true," Jack growled, refusing to look at the Time Lord. "He loves me, and I him."

"Why? Because you fuck on a regular basis?" The Master replied with an astonished chuckle. "Has your apparent freak accident made you forget Time Lords are superior to you stunted little apes and all your mongrel offshoots? The Doctor is only appeasing you because he knows the way to get you to do what he wants is to get your cock nice and hard, then let you squirt your seed in whatever depraved manner will make you happy. That's all you will ever be to anyone--a whore, someone tainted, just a series of holes to use until they get bored with you and get away from you as soon as they can." He laughed, low and dirty. "Rassilon knows my guards and I became acquainted with all those holes personally. You were as good as a bank, Jacky-boy, those holes letting us make our deposits anytime!" 

Jack shuddered with the memories of what had been done to him in that terrible year. The physical torture had been bad, but oftentimes he suffered injuries that would be fatal, and he would die and revive, his injuries healed; it didn't make the physical pain any less, but at least he could recover. What had stayed with him was the psychological torture, that feeling of violation and depravity, and that realization, helped along by the Master's manipulation, that he was so incredibly wrong he deserved every bad thing that had ever happened to him. The Doctor had worked so hard with Jack to overcome the mental torture so he could become functional again. Steeling himself, Jack was determined to not let this illusion of the Master undo everything the Doctor had done to help him heal.

The Master walked around Jack for a few minutes, studying him. "You are still resisting the truth," he mused. "Here you are, I am here with you, and guess who isn't? The Doctor! The one who demands you give everything for him and doesn't pay you the same respect. The one who abandoned you because of the fundamental truth about you, that you are wrong. And even now he is biding his time, waiting to find a way to run away from you again. But...there is a way for you to turn the tables on him, to let him know how it made you feel to be abandoned. You can let go, put yourself out of your misery, let the poison do its work and take you. You will be free."

Jack looked defiantly into the Master's face and laughed. "How little you have learned, even in your own death," he replied. "Do you know, once the Emperor of the Daleks tried to get me to turn against the Doctor. He even made me confront the idea that I was a pawn to sacrifice while he built a Delta Wave that would destroy all life on Earth. It didn't work on me, I stayed loyal. You may get me to doubt, but only temporarily. I will not make your choice. Kill me if you wish, but I will not make it easy for you."

The Master nodded. "As you wish," he answered coldly. " But by the time I finish with you, you will wish you'd taken the easy way out when you had the chance."Jack saw the metallic flash in his hand. His hand made a sweeping motion. Jack felt the wet heat of his own blood.

Then he felt the pain. Again and again and again.

~#~

The Doctor had placed Jack back in his bed in the MediBay, pumping every drug the TARDIS offered to try and lower his fever, to no avail. Jack had murmured deliriously for a long while, even appearing to softly laugh at one point, but as the fever continued to rage and climbed higher, he stopped doing even that.

The Doctor now cradled Jack in the MediBay the same way he had in the swimming pool, trying his best to provide some empathic comfort, Jack so far beyond consciousness he couldn't feel what the Doctor was offering him. A little while later there was a sound like a whimper, then Jack went limp in the Doctor's arms. "I wish I knew what to do for you," the Doctor whispered forlornly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a haunting story that is an inspiration to this chapter called "What Dies Inside Us" by nosmokingpistol. The story is about how Jack's deaths, while somewhat routine, are horrifying to those around him, especially the Doctor, and how badly others are affected by it. If you find it, it stays with you.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor sat with Jack on top of a soft hill of Apple Grass in his garden room. This was Jack's favourite spot, seemed to have always been since the Doctor introduced him to this place. None of the Time Lord's many companions had ever been in this room, not even the ones for whom the Doctor could say he truly loved, except for Jack.

This was also the room the Doctor visited when he needed some quiet time to himself, and over their time together Jack had become adept at reading when his lover had needed that and never questioned when he left in its direction, and the TARDIS gently distracted Jack by steering him to an empty room. Jack would wait and would pull him closer in bed later, waiting for him to describe what was happening, then they'd sort it out and that was it.

But for now all the Doctor could remember were places in this room where he and Jack had been together, sometimes just sharing a warm moonlit night with stars, sometimes making love right here on this hill. It had been the times when Jack had been the most tender, treating the Time Lord as if he was a delicate creature that could be easily damaged with rough treatment. Afterwards, they would lie entwined with each other, the TARDIS keeping them just warm enough, and Jack would softly sing to him while the nearby Mellodion roses bloomed and grew. To the Time Lord, the Mellodions grew the best when Jack would sing ancient Earth songs, what would be called "traditional", but in truth the roses simply responded to the beauty of his voice. The Doctor knew he could sing to the Mellodions until the Untempered Schism would temper itself and would never get the roses to flourish the way Jack could singing just a few lines of "Ye Banks and Braes O' Bonny Doon" or "Loch Lomond".

So he sat with Jack's body, thinking either his lover would revive in one of his most beloved settings, or this would be absolutely the most beautiful spot to be buried in. It sounded macabre, but in the past Time Lords would occasionally inter loved ones in special rooms in their TARDISes, at least until a more permanent arrangement could be made. There was a lot of sense to this. In this way the Doctor would never be without his Jack, the TARDIS would be a living, breathing memorial to his great love. And he could come to this room to contemplate quietly with Jack whenever he wanted, much in the same way as a memorial garden. After a moment the Doctor shook his head; it was macabre, and he thought those stories of TARDISes carrying dead loved ones was just too twisted for logic. It would be a permanent reminder of the love he lost, of the idea there was someone who could understand what it meant to outlive everyone else they ever knew, gaining knowledge and wisdom through shared experience, that they had found each other, and because of the Doctor's foolishness he was alone again.

With this understanding the Doctor found himself blinded by tears. "What could I possibly do without you, Jack?" he asked as his voice broke. He held Jack's hand, kissing and caressing it as the tears fell. "Please come back to me. Please."

~#~

When Jack awoke next he was lying in a beautiful garden. The fragrance of flowers surrounded him, sunlight warmed him, and he felt peace and contentment he'd never felt in this measure before. He sat up and tried to piece together what had happened before. He remembered being chained, the Master had tried to manipulate him. He'd resisted. The Master had punished him dearly for it, levels of pain and suffering he'd never experienced, and he shuddered at the horror.

"Be comforted," a voice said. "You are safe." Then a woman's hands came down on his and held them. Jack looked into a pair of preternatural blue eyes, as impossibly blue as his. There was the black hair, the porcelain skin seemingly without a single flaw. His heart skipped a beat at the sight.

"Phaedra?" Jack stammered. Was this a dream, or was he really seeing her? He'd met her--and instantly fallen in love--on Socrates, a recreational planet populated by Androids. She was a Human, a brilliant scientist creating an Android with genuine Human emotions, and posing as one to hide in plain sight. But the drugs she took to cool her temperature and avoid detection had created a fatal side effect. By the time Jack and the Doctor had discovered her secrets her fate had been decided.

"Greetings, Jack Harkness," Phaedra smiled softly, then she reached in and kissed him. An explosion of love burst throughout his soul, one he'd longed for for decades finally by his side. Phaedra had been one whom the Doctor had been willing to share Jack with, so powerful was her intellect, and when she'd died the Time Lord and the immortal Human had mourned for her together, knowing a hidden genius whose achievements should be celebrated in the universe was lost. 

Jack took a long look around him. "Am I back on Socrates?" he asked.

"No," Phaedra answered, helping Jack to stand. "This place looks like Socrates because it was the only place I knew." In a flash, Jack had recalled the conversation: condemned to death, they'd discussed the possibility of an Afterlife, and she had described this place, where those who she loved would be with her. Including Jack. She had repeated it as she lay dying in his arms.

"I've visited some interesting places today," Jack stated, giving a half smile. "But no place that looks like this." Or anyone as beautiful as her, Jack thought to himself. Phaedra looked at him as if she'd read the thought.

"Could it be that somehow you wanted to see me again?" Phaedra asked. "Because when the illness claimed me, I knew it would be a long time before I saw you. My question would be, why are you here now?" Jack suddenly felt tired and weak. He stumbled in his weariness, and she helped him over to a stone bench. "I remember you as strong and full of life," she said.

"Flower hunting, with the Doctor," Jack explained, rubbing the spot on his chest where the thorns entered. "I was poisoned." He grimaced in pain, nearly doubling over.

"Oh, Jack," Phaedra tried to soothe him, holding him by one arm and and stroking his back. "You cannot stay dead, you told me that once. Why are you suffering so, my love? You can fight the poison."

The feeling had been inside Jack for decades, ever since his first visit. Hearing the news across the galaxies of the achievements on Socrates involving Android technology, knowing the beginnings came from this spectacular mind and imagination, kept the thought in his mind, the idea that one day, if he actually stayed dead, that he might actually see Phaedra again. And if he had the choice of where to go, being with her would be a good choice. "I have been fighting," he sighed. "I've fought so hard...but I don't know how much longer I can fight. I'm so tired. I want to rest."

Phaedra gently stroked Jack's face. "Here is a good place to find rest, my love," she answered. He looked up at her and saw she was beaming, pure joy radiating from her soul. "This is a beautiful place, and you and I would be young and beautiful and in love forever." Jack couldn't help himself, so overwhelmed by the news he laughed as he fully embraced her, then kissed her deeply and passionately. Phaedra responded to him, pulling him closer and caressing his face and hair. But then she pulled away and held his hands in hers. "But, as much as it hurts to say it, we cannot be together."

"What?" Jack asked, confused. "But you said before...that one day I would be with you, you would wait for me in this place."

"And you are here, and I am with you, and I still love you," Phaedra reassured Jack tenderly. "But deep inside, you know there is someone you actually love more, and you are meant to be with them until the end. And they are not here, and may never be here."

Jack sat back removing his hands and placing them in his lap. He was too familiar with this conversation: once again someone measured him and found him wanting, someone he cared for and initially intended to stay with him, except this time it was someone in a nether region, and it was one for whom he would have given up his immortality just a moment ago. Was this really any different than the Master calling him Wrong and Freak all that time? "Am I never to see you again?" Jack asked softly; once again, he was too familiar with the never-want-to-see-you-again statement.

And for the first time in decades, Jack heard Phaedra's laugh, light and musical, almost as refreshing as tiny bells ringing or rain falling lightly into pools of water. "You will see me again," she replied. "But not yet. There is another you must stay with first, because when you see them, you will realize you actually love them more than you love me." Phaedra glanced over to a large house not far away. "Perhaps there will come a time when you return, and everyone who loves you will be in that house, and you and I can live there with them," she said. "But for now there is one." Jack stood and headed in the direction of the house. Turning back after a moment he saw Phaedra, standing tall and straight, her face glowing with love and hope. She waved farewell, then she turned and walked away in the opposite direction. Jack turned his attention back to the house.

It took longer to reach the house than Jack first believed. It turned out what appeared at first was a large house was in fact a mansion, and a sizeable one at that. Jack was approaching through the gardens, meticulously cultivated, reminding Jack of the gardens at Buckingham Palace the only time he'd had a private audience with the Queen. It had been just after Canary Wharf, they walked among the gardens with her Corgis, and she had turned over the running of Torchwood to Cardiff, and after he'd explained the true nature of the Doctor (along with some surreptitiously obtained UNIT files), she'd given him the power to remake Torchwood in the way he wanted. As Jack was approaching it was looking like the mansion really was the size of Buckingham Palace.

Jack finally made it to the front walk, gently pushing open the iron gates and up to the large doors to enter the house; one of these was ajar, telling Jack someone else was already there. Jack stepped inside. The front hallway was bare, black and white marble floors amplifying every step, a utilitarian chandelier high up in the center of a spiral staircase.

"Well, the house is very nice, but it might be a bit much for a single person..." a voice echoed from another room. Jack froze, but his heart jumpstarted; it was the voice of one he hadn't heard in too long. Sure enough, into the hallway stepped a very well dressed man, with the most beautiful set of blue eyes Jack had ever seen. Jack's hand covered his mouth and his own eyes filled with tears. 

"Ianto?"

Ianto froze instantly upon seeing Jack, the look on his face one of confusion. Then, in a moment where neither could say exactly who moved first, both ran toward each other, colliding in a hug that neither wanted to break. They kissed passionately; this had to be who Phaedra had meant by one he loved more than her. And the next act was decided: he would give up his immortality, succumb permanently to the poison in his system, make this house his and his Welshman's to share. And Phaedra would be with them, and hopefully he could bring in Owen and Tosh, and Steven would get to know him as his grandfather. The house would be full and perfect and full of love.

Ianto pulled away slightly. "Oh, God...are you really here, Jack?"

"I want to be, so much," Jack replied, eyes welling with happy tears.

"But you told me you are a fixed point in time and space," Ianto reminded him.

"Something has happened to me," Jack explained, "and I think that can change now. You and me, I think we can be together, staying here." Again Jack pulled Ianto to him, embracing him; there was his wonderful natural scent and the feel of his body next to him, and Jack was sure the Welshman had not lost his droll wit or the ability to make the best coffee ever tasted. This was either his beloved Ianto Jones or the most detailed fever dream in history. Reluctantly he pulled himself away. "I don't want to let you go," he smiled. "I just want to spend my time putting my hands on you. But I need to explore all these rooms and figure out which one belongs to us. Then we can spend time putting hands on each other."

~#~

The latest readings from the TARDIS showed Jack's Autron energy was improving, but he was still nearly too weak to survive, even though the concoctions that were meant to purge him of the toxin had begun to work. While in the gardens with the Doctor, Jack had taken his first breath of revival, but he had not regained consciousness. The Doctor knew in his hearts this would now be the final struggle--either he would bring his lover back from the brink or lose him forever.

The thought that once again he'd be responsible if he were left alone terrified him. The Time Lock on Gallifrey had been a horrific decision, but the Time War that led to so many psychological scars created the necessity of it. Jack wasn't a family member, and having to condemn his family to death that way made his actions so much more barbaric. But this was someone he was in love with, whose heart and soul he treasured above many others in this universe. Jack was already in this circumstance because of his inattention; now to fail the love that had been given to him, without question or hesitation, was just as terrible as locking him inside the horrors of the Time War itself.

Hour after plodding hour passed. The medicines were given and readings taken, but still Jack stayed unconscious. As each hour passed with little to no improvement, Jack still out and no sign of his waking, the more desperate the Doctor felt. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this out of control inside--perhaps the final night of the Time War when he knew there was absolutely no hope. There it was, though, the wild certainty that if his Jack did indeed die and he was once more alone, this time knowing he'd be forever alone, in the insanity of grief he'd just as likely steer the TARDIS into a supernova.

Over the hours the Doctor spoke gently to Jack, telling him stories and reciting Gallifreyan poetry, and singing to him, much the same way he would for one of his children. But his lover gave no acknowledgment that he heard any of it. He held Jack's hand, weeping, but Jack still didn't notice. The Doctor recalled an Earth story about jewels with the light of Heaven inside them, how the jewels were stolen by an evil being, and how one of them was recovered and fell in possession of a woman. When her people were attacked to take the jewel, she'd thrown herself into the sea. But instead of drowning, the woman was turned into a bird and sent with the jewel to find her husband, a great mariner. She'd found him at the end of her strength, collapsing in a dying faint on the deck of his ship. The mariner had taken pity on the bird, holding it against his chest as he slept, only to find the next morning his wife sleeping peacefully beside him, wearing the jewel. Logic told the Doctor it was only a story, but the desperate romantic told him perhaps what Jack needed was to awake in his arms. So he crawled into bed with the human who'd loved and given and suffered and sacrificed for his sake, wrapping him up in his arms, knowing either Jack would return to him or he would die.

"I love you, Jack," the Doctor whispered as the TARDIS lulled him to sleep.

~#~

It took awhile to look through all the rooms in the mansion, but Jack found the bedroom with the combination of the best view, privacy, and the correct light exposure. It practically was an apartment inside the mansion, a place for the two of them to hide away from everyone else when they wanted that special private time.

And the thought he would finally live that life of promise with Ianto Jones filled Jack's heart until he felt like singing. Perhaps he could think of a way to bring Mellodions here and prove to Ianto they actually exist.

But when Jack finally came back downstairs he found the Welshman sitting by a picture window, deep in thought. "I found the perfect place for us," Jack announced as he entered. "It was almost like it was made for us....Ianto? Is something wrong?"

Ianto said nothing at first, choosing to stare out the window while gathering his words. "I always wondered what it would be like to know we're going to be together," he began, looking very serious. Ianto always had a serious expression on his face, even when those beautiful eyes were dancing with humour. "Remember when I died, I begged you to not forget me?"

Jack approached Ianto at the window and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I've kept to that," he replied softly. "There have been others I've loved since, but I've never forgotten us, how much I want that back."

Ianto leaned his head against Jack's body. "I know that," he replied. "I still don't know if it will be the same in a thousand years, but it does speak well of what we had."

"Of what we have," Jack corrected Ianto as he placed his arms around the forever-young man's waist. "When I was out in the gardens, Phaedra told me someone I loved even more than her was waiting for me." Jack's eyes turned sad. "I never thought after you that I could love someone as intensely, but there was Phaedra, and when she suddenly died I was shaken by the loss. But now I have you back, and as much as I loved her, I love you that much more." He chuckled. " And no, I no longer fear saying that."

Ianto smiled at that, but Jack could sense he was still holding something back. "Oh, Jack," he sighed, "I love you, too. That's why you....have to go back." Jack shook his head and began to respond; Ianto's response was to hold Jack by the shoulders. "Jack, believe it or not, one of the best things about you for me was that you could go on while I could not. It reminded me that you have to embrace each day, want nothing, envy nothing, don't leave things unsaid. For you I know it must be lonely, that you must encounter those who don't understand the implications, how they envy the idea they'll grow old and die while you stay the same without realizing you have to watch the long, slow decline. That even though you can't stay dead, that doesn't mean you can't feel pain. There are so many things you have seen, worlds and wonders and people you've loved. And now...now there is someone you love who uniquely understands what it is to be like you, who can see past your ability and see the soul within. You understand that, and you love him for it, perhaps even more than you believe you love me." Ianto directed Jack back toward the window; just outside sat the familiar blue Police Call Box. Memories raced through Jack's mind, all their adventures, the wonders of the universe they shared, the times making love to one another, linked physically and psychically and emotionally, Jack feeling his mind and soul expanding with each encounter. But still, his heart bent toward the young Welshman standing next to him, and broke at having to leave him, like he had in various dreams where he woke up sobbing.

"I don't want to say goodbye to you," Jack replied softly, shaking his head.

"You are not saying goodbye to me, not really," Ianto told him. "You are going to be with the Doctor. You need to be there to love him, and learn from him. He has lived so much longer than you, has obtained so much wisdom. You will need to call upon that wisdom later. And then, when the time is right, you shall return and this house will be filled with those you love and who love you in return. I will be here, and Steven, and Phaedra, whoever you want."

"But...the Doctor..." Jack whispered.

"He is a different kind of being from the rest of us, Jack," Ianto answered, "this you know. His final rest isn't seen or known, even by the wisest of us, not even you as yet. But if you doubt his love answer me this: all those times you've dreamt of me, when you awoke in tears and grieving, who has been there to comfort you? If that isn't love, what is?" There was a sudden strong breeze, throwing open the front door, with bright light beyond. "Time for you to go back," Ianto said. "Love the one you know you want to love. I will wait for you."

Jack turned and walked toward the door. He turned back to face the young lover he was leaving behind. "I will still remember you, Ianto Jones," he called back. He smiled and turned back toward the door. With each step he took toward the light Jack was hit with a new blast of memories: the first moment he realized his feelings towards the Doctor were more than just ones of gratitude, moments of laughter between them, the first real kiss they shared alone. There were so many more that came with each new step, and all of them brought encompassing love. There was Phaedra, and there was dear Ianto, but they would wait for him here, part of his past. Beyond that doorway was the past, present, and future.

Jack took a deep breath and stepped through.

~#~

The Doctor opened his eyes but he refused to glance downward, not wanting to have the final answer be that Jack had indeed died and he was forever lost. He wanted to hold onto the thought Jack would be looking at him with those impossible blue eyes filled with love and acceptance in the arms of his Time Lord. That soon he and Jack would walk through the garden room and sing to the Mellodions, and soon after that they would be off on another adventure in time and space. For just another moment he wanted to hope.

But the TARDIS was humming to herself as if it was business as usual, something she had not done since the whole thing happened; she had hummed in worry over the Doctor's well-being, in concern over Jack and grief over potentially losing this part of herself. Now she was going along like everything was back to normal. For a second the Doctor wondered if the Earth story had come true and he would find the bird had turned into his love, that he was alive and a great jewel with the light of Heaven lay against his chest as he slept. But that was just a story, the Doctor thought to himself.

He glanced down.

Jack's colour looked essentially the same, a bit pale from his illness, but essentially the same. His skin felt warm and vibrant. There was no jewel resting against him, but Jack was clearly not dead. He was sleeping.

The Doctor looked at the monitors and saw Jack's readings had made a significant improvement. He would be weak and slow to recover for quite some time, but he was no longer on the verge of death itself. The TARDIS opened drawers and revealed new syringes to give, and the Doctor changed the fluids, injecting each syringe carefully. Then the Doctor saw the cup of tea and the banana, and he took them without argument.

Sometime later the Time Lord noticed a slight movement of Jack's head and the twitch of his finger. The Doctor took Jack's hand and held it in his, smiling as his lover's breathing became deeper and stronger. Then there was a flutter as Jack's eyes slightly opened.

"Doctor?" Jack whispered, not able to project his voice much.

The Doctor kissed his hand and stroked his face. "Rest, my boy," he whispered back. "You're going to be okay now."

"What...what happened?"

"You are very sick," the Doctor explained, trying to keep it short and simple. "But the TARDIS helped you. You shall be well soon."

Jack noticed the Time Lord's haggard expression and frowned. "What about you?"

The Doctor smiled, seemingly taking years off his countenance and looking much younger. He kissed the top of Jack's head. "Better, now that you are," he replied.

Jack sighed and tried to smile, but all that came out was a weak grin. "You need rest," he said. "Sleep while I sleep, okay?" Jack's eyes closed while making the request and was quickly asleep again.

The Doctor smiled in tired contentment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story of the bird and the mariner is actually from J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Silmarillion", the story of Earendil and his wife Elwing.
> 
> The mention of Phaedra came from a previous story I wrote called "Warmth". I originally wanted to write a sequel to it, but I couldn't advance the story beyond Jack and Phaedra meeting again.
> 
> Mellodions originally appeared in another story called "The Nightmare". I'd like to think roses like this exist in the universe.


	5. Chapter 5

It took Jack quite awhile before he was even strong enough to leave the bed except for short periods. While his Autron energy was building and he was getting further away from danger, the simple fact was he wasn't supposed to survive the event at all, so he was starting over physically, almost as defenseless as a newborn.

The tests by the TARDIS showed almost no mental impairment due to the illness, which was fortunate, but also revealed a genuine problem--boredom. Jack was a man of action, never content to sit still for too long, something his immortality and advanced healing skills exacerbated. Plenty of times his mental capacity exceeded his physical condition, which led to situations where his body would give out before he was ready to stop. This in turn would lead to frustration over his condition, wondering why he wasn't further along in the healing process, pounding the bed furiously to be allowed out. The Doctor had to be patient and allow Jack time to adjust to what was hopefully a temporary setback. Over the period that followed the Doctor was having to rely more and more upon his patience.

But as time passed Jack became stronger, so as his recovery continued the Doctor decided to let him move back to his room. During the waking hours Jack was given enough reading material, solitary games, and interdimensional puzzles to occupy his mind, interspersed with short periods of physical exercise to improve strength and stamina. At bedtime the Doctor was able to join his lover, though there was no thought of that activity yet. Still, for both of them the idea of being together was more than enough.

When Jack was finally able to take short walks, the Doctor took him once again to the garden room. Now he was ready to tell Jack about the struggles to help him survive, how he had once carried Jack to this room and questioned whether it would be the right place for a burial, and his fear that he was going to end up alone. In return, Jack told the Time Lord of the places and people in his journey, of Toshiko and Owen, of the Master, and seeing Phaedra and Ianto again. The Doctor was especially interested in the Welshman and the brilliant scientist, knowing the depths of Jack's grief over their loss. The Doctor himself had mourned Phaedra, knowing what the universe missed in her, and in Ianto there had been many nightmares he had to alleviate over that young man's death, and the knowledge that there would always be a small corner of Jack that would forever carry that pain, a part he would never be able to reach. When the time came for them to return, the Doctor told Jack part of the Earth story about the bird and the mariner, how strangely to him it had fit into those final hours of doubt and fear.

The Doctor and Jack readied for bed later. When the TARDIS dimmed the light and the Doctor pulled Jack closer, Jack said, "You never told me the rest of the story. What happened to the bird and the mariner?"

There was a pause. "Once the bird became the mariner's wife again, the mariner used the light of the jewel to sail through the murky night that separated Heaven and Earth," the Doctor told him. "They finally found Heaven, where the mariner was able to plead for help against the forces of Evil. The mariner wore the jewel as he sailed, as a sign of hope. Evil was defeated, but the mariner and his wife could never return home, that was the agreement for help. So now the mariner sails the night between Heaven and Earth wearing the jewel as his wife awaits him in a high tower. And when she sees the light of the jewel from afar, she turns herself into the bird and flies out to meet him until he comes to port." Jack said nothing, pulling the Doctor closer and kissing him.

"I think I may be the bird," Jack finally said after a period of silence. "You are the mariner, sailing the universe in the TARDIS, carrying Hope before you. Until I saw you in Cardiff, and I flew out to meet you again."

"And everything since has been part of the long sail to port?" the Doctor asked.

"In a way. When I was with Ianto....when...he told me we were meant to be together for a long time, to learn and to teach. And also to love and be loved. And when the time comes, I will find that home again, where love waits for me."

"I think I shall be gone from the universe by then," the Doctor replied thoughtfully.

"But my hope is you will be waiting there for me," Jack stated, caressing the Doctor's face with affection. There was a slow, deep kiss between them. There was no more discussion as they settled down to sleep, but Jack was introspective. He thought of himself as the bird in the story, for now. But this time with the Time Lord he loved so dearly would eventually lead to him becoming the mariner, wearing Hope and Wisdom given to him by the Doctor. And one day, far into the future if he could at all help it, he would steer his ship to port. A Time Lord would be waiting for him in a high tower, turning into a bird to fly out and greet him. And upon entering the house, there would be a young boy, and friends he long missed, and a beautiful, brilliant scientist whose intelligence eclipsed her blinding beauty, and a young Welshman whose preternatural wisdom only matched the depths of his love. Jack had sacrificed himself for love, his love had him take a profound journey, and he set sail for love. He would find it in this universe with a being not quite like him, and eventually he would sail through the murky night waters until that home came into view.

And more love awaited him there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an interview with John Barrowman I read after I finished writing. His personal theory is that Jack is aware of what he ultimately becomes, the being the Doctor ultimately goes to for advice and wisdom through the millennia. It fits in with the idea of Jack learning from the Doctor until the Doctor ends up learning from him.


End file.
